good times going to come..

Today has got to be one of the hardest day..
from the panic attacks and the emotional rampage that i am dealing with within myself
from the realization that my friends hates me and pulling away
to the battles of depression and detachment i am facing with myself
to my trials of battling the bottle and staying away from mood alerting medications..
Today I looked at myself at my ugliest form
where I just stare at myself in the mirror and wishing the tears would just come out and I can tire myself where I can finally shut my eyes for a while and have some well needed sleep..

I have not slept in days..
I have been trying so hard to keep myself strong and not let myself falter..
from all the trials I have put myself in these past few months, the struggle to just be a stronger being and be in control of my emotions finally just exploded..
I find a bit of myself in my time of weakness..
I am losing people I love, no one wants to be around an an emotional time bomb..and it only took few simple words like " i hate you" to really bring me to tears and be in peace with my own sadness..

It took hours staring at my ceiling and drinking down a bad bottle of wine to finally crack..
few simple words of certainties from loyal friends to make me understand that I can be better and that it is okay to fall in a moment of weakness...
looking at bunch of names in my phone book and and the only one I call is the person furthest away from me..The most expensive and the most understanding.

I have the utmost appreciation for those people, who stuck by me at my worst.

In order in helping myself to get out of this downward spiral I do know that I need some reassurance that there are people who gives a shit enough to love when I'm at my ugliest form..
I hope I sleep tonight and find myself stronger and more determined than ever to make things better.. and I sealed it with a promise that I won't let their acceptance of me go in vain..

To Dorian, Wulan and Anggi.. Thank you for having access patients with a failing friend.
I love you more than you will ever know.