Disconnection

Mornings turns to nights,while I slumber, the world is buzzing...
when my eyes are open, I start to feel how harsh the silence can be and I never felt so alone and detached from everything and everyone I know.

Oh snap!!!

ack i think my heart is crackin..can you hear it? don't watch E! SERIOUSLY!!!

us on a sunday afternoon..

when is the lasagna ready, love?

Just thinkin..

it's funny, ya know...these little "life experiences"...

shit thrown your way just to see how hard you bounce...

a true test of your desire, wants, needs, dignity, passions, resilience, love, hate, existence...your soul...every little ounce of who you are...

with the best intentions, a small fire of optimism...opening your eyes to each new day...a tryst with fate...you draw back the shades...coated in armor head to toe ready for the next battle...you take a breath...

dodging land-mines...wondering if your next move will sever a limb or grant you one more step forward...an analysis of your skills...just how able are you? able to move about, protected and undiscovered...learking about...praying you get one more chance for an infinate amount of chances...

so accustom to life and being that we never wonder which way to move unless faced with some minute detail that threatens our interior.

i wonder though, how can you ever really be prepared for battle when you don't think about your steps until you need to...?

Chris Jordan

Link

Bacon Machine

good times going to come..

Today has got to be one of the hardest day..
from the panic attacks and the emotional rampage that i am dealing with within myself
from the realization that my friends hates me and pulling away
to the battles of depression and detachment i am facing with myself
to my trials of battling the bottle and staying away from mood alerting medications..
Today I looked at myself at my ugliest form
where I just stare at myself in the mirror and wishing the tears would just come out and I can tire myself where I can finally shut my eyes for a while and have some well needed sleep..

I have not slept in days..
I have been trying so hard to keep myself strong and not let myself falter..
from all the trials I have put myself in these past few months, the struggle to just be a stronger being and be in control of my emotions finally just exploded..
I find a bit of myself in my time of weakness..
I am losing people I love, no one wants to be around an an emotional time bomb..and it only took few simple words like " i hate you" to really bring me to tears and be in peace with my own sadness..

It took hours staring at my ceiling and drinking down a bad bottle of wine to finally crack..
few simple words of certainties from loyal friends to make me understand that I can be better and that it is okay to fall in a moment of weakness...
looking at bunch of names in my phone book and and the only one I call is the person furthest away from me..The most expensive and the most understanding.

I have the utmost appreciation for those people, who stuck by me at my worst.

In order in helping myself to get out of this downward spiral I do know that I need some reassurance that there are people who gives a shit enough to love when I'm at my ugliest form..
I hope I sleep tonight and find myself stronger and more determined than ever to make things better.. and I sealed it with a promise that I won't let their acceptance of me go in vain..

To Dorian, Wulan and Anggi.. Thank you for having access patients with a failing friend.
I love you more than you will ever know.

Spanish Fever..

This is the landscape of my dream
When I am there
I would look for you
Really...

Barcelona via Canary Island

El Guincho is a one man band aka Pablo Díaz-Reixa , I heard about if the first time through a blog,"Discoteca Oceano" ( the blog is very well written and fun to read, it's in spanish though)

His self released album Alegranza that just came out december 2007 is strangely addicting and tickles with my mood ( it helps the fact that i have a soft spot for hot spanish boys)
It's airy and bright bringing a scene or tropicana in my head..how I wish I can keep myself from listening to it until I get myself to Bali where it would just be ultimate and appropriate for this album to be played, but of course I cannot really help myself!
The whole Spanish aspect of the album kind of adds a mystery to it, specially realizing how shit my Spanish is..maybe it's time I use the babelfish translation engine thingy..

Man Rabbit Man Habits...

In their lost divinity, Man Man took up residence in Philadelphia, perhaps because of the Sweet Philly sound, Noam Chomsky, the water Sun Ra was drinking, Charles Barkley’s elbows, the excellence of the Philly lacrosse team or Rocky or Betsy Ross or John Coltrane. Or maybe it was it’s close proximity to south Jersey.

Man Man uses pseudonyms - the frontman is Honus Honus, and its other members are Sergei Sogay, Pow Pow, Critter Crat, and Chang Wang. Prior to settling on Man Man, the band was named Gamelon and briefly Magic Blood.

Their musical style has been described as Viking-vaudeville, Manic Gypsy Jazz. filling the blankness with their weird/beautiful, esoteric/heart-rending, profound/hilarious sounds. There is so much lovely commotion to be made, Man Man famously does not break between songs during their live shows, but rather moves, revolving-door fashion, from one song to another, commandeering and discarding any of number of the instruments lying at their feet as the mood strikes and the music dictates.

I do believe Man Man may be just what this uncrazy universe needs to exceed the expected life span, which goes to approximately the year 3028, A.D.

Their 3rd Studio album, Rabbit Habits hits the market this month! Yee Haww

Reality check is in order...

Ok honestly my internet habit is getting worse by the day, probably it's one of the side-effect of not having a routine I just seem to get really pre-occupied with my Internet life more than I am in touch with my real life...I am not sure I can even tell the difference...
I have to admit most of my favorite people in the world lives in my computer, I am not sure that's necessarily a bad thing though...

When it comes to romance, now that's the interesting part about the whole Internet phenomena..
My Mother always nags about me getting married or at least have a boyfriend or something, she's really worried that I'm getting too old to be single all the time..haha yeah, My Mom constantly reminds me of how empty my life is and it's not a pleasant feeling...like as if I didn't know that already. She suggested that I try to find a boyfriend through the Internet...

I have been talking to few guys over the internet for awhile now, some I really like more than I like food or smoking...
There's some kind of excitement in waiting to get an email reply or figuring out what to say next.
I like the emails corresponding type better than the chat type, usually after you add somebody to your buddy list you kinda have to kiss your email affair goodbye..

Okay i lost the purpose of even writing this particular blog..oh well..I'm just really bored, I guess..

Model Home..

The Hale House In Boise Idaho is the kind of house is like my dream house, it's stucco color-stamped concretes gets me, it has such a simple elegance to it, where it still looks traditional and refined..aesthetically this house is just beautiful..

I wantz me some conez plz..

Lanvin's Cone Heels are just to die for..
I rest my case.. <3

What color is the sky in the world you live in?

I'm in only few steps away from residing myself to Bali, I am always faced by few simple questions i haven't been able to answer yet, like..what do you see your life there like? what do you expect to achieve there on your own? what kind of change do you want?

One thing certain is that I am so excited to remodel every aspect of my life..
what's really funny is that the one thing that i kept on thinking about is this empty space which i would call my home, my own place, finally..
i already know what i want it to look like, how i would do it..totally got nothing to do with life remodeling and it's just the superficial part which totally excites the crap out of me..

Maybe i should just move my butt really quick..
Maybe the whole getting my own place and making it look the way i want it to look will be a good trigger for me to get this thing on the road already..

Each time i play the whole idea in my head, I can faintly hear the song "When The Sun Shone on Vetiver" from Devendra Banhart's Rejoicing in the hands..

You have to start somewhere..

there are those moments where i am so fascinated in reading other people's blogs and get so consumed on how they can just freely express themselves, whether it's about the daily lives, their music or just simple random things...
I always wanted my own blog, but i do not see the point of having one, because i have nothing much to tell or share with others.
I admit I can be a downer as person because i never really have anything positive to share, and in a point where i find myself feeling that i should just swallow everything down to the pit on my stomach *gulp* and not risking losing more friends or bore people to death with how generic my life has been lately.
plus i am not one who is into writing about day to day but i guess i have to start somewhere.

This year started with a bang..not the good kind!
it's like the mighty hand of God just smack me across the face to make me realize that I need a huge change in my life, and that I need to be a new person.
I am not a very happy person in general, though I am pretty sure I have a potential to be one.

I am on a mission..i call it " Pursuit of Happiness" and no! don't tell me that's the title of a Will Smith movie, because i'd smack you!

On top of the list is of course Self-discovery and change.
the root of my mission is just getting myself together and letting everything go...and finally be able to find some peace and happiness within myself.
it's always been the biggest question in my life..who is Anette?