#1 Crush

yes, let it be known...i have a crush!

it's so wonderful to have this preconceived idea of something in your head...so much that it becomes something of a dream.

nothing remotely tangible...

nothing that can be held or inhaled or tasted or felt or created or destroyed or molded or embraced...

it's just something that is fabricated.

to want to know...to desire and crave...to need to have...to acquire, taste and devour...

...to insist on pushing the envelope to see how far it will really go...

something that exists down within the pit of your stomach...

it's nothing more then an idea...

it's a crush...

Hola viejo amigo!

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder

afflicting 3%- 8% of women, it's a mood disorder that is associated by the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle (like duh! i have had 13 periods in the past 4 months! give me a fucking break!)

PMDD is similar to PMS, Treatment is recommended because PMDD interferes with the sufferer's ability to function in their environment. The cardinal symptom--surfacing between ovulation and menstruation, and disappearing within a few days after the onset of the bleeding--is irritability,Anxiety, anger, and depression may also occur. The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include:

• feelings of sadness or despair
  
• feelings of tension or anxiety
• panic attacks
• mood swings, crying
• lasting irritability or anger that affects other people
• disinterest in daily activities and relationships
• trouble thinking or focusing
• tiredness or low energy
• food cravings or binge eating
• having trouble sleeping
• feeling out of control
• physical symptoms, such as bloating, heart palpitations, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain

Five or more of these symptoms may indicate PMDD. Symptoms occur during the week before the menstrual cycle and go away when the bleeding starts.

(figures...I'm not losing my mind!!!)

Effects of Ativan

I laid in bed, my room is as smoky and as dark as usual, where there's only a small yellow light flickering...music mildly playing, my eyes felt heavy and my body aches all over...
then I was sitting at the edge of the world next to Nel (seriously, Nollie?)...and I suddenly woke up, and it was 2am...*sighs*

uh.. uh.. oh.. oh..

long conversations—vibing off another person…listening to their hopes, fears, wants, needs…their foundation…bouncing ideas…watching thoughts present themselves…exchanging energy strong enough to make you feel like superman…

it’s times like these I live for…it’s times like these that remind that i’m not as naive as i used to be.
i can never be ignorantly happy again. i often wonder if i ever was.
existing in my own little universe of perpetual hope…

although amusing, i find it’s utter bullshit.

these are just simple little moments used to get you through to the next…
i guess it really just comes down to your ability to take them in and see them for what they’re worth, rather then what they could be at another time in life.

i just don't know why i always seem to want more..

it makes me sad.

Just thinkin..

it's funny, ya know...these little "life experiences"...

shit thrown your way just to see how hard you bounce...

a true test of your desire, wants, needs, dignity, passions, resilience, love, hate, existence...your soul...every little ounce of who you are...

with the best intentions, a small fire of optimism...opening your eyes to each new day...a tryst with fate...you draw back the shades...coated in armor head to toe ready for the next battle...you take a breath...

dodging land-mines...wondering if your next move will sever a limb or grant you one more step forward...an analysis of your skills...just how able are you? able to move about, protected and undiscovered...learking about...praying you get one more chance for an infinate amount of chances...

so accustom to life and being that we never wonder which way to move unless faced with some minute detail that threatens our interior.

i wonder though, how can you ever really be prepared for battle when you don't think about your steps until you need to...?